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I never thought this day would come, I actually want to be here!
 I have wanted to die since I was little. Being raised in evangelical Christianity, I was fascinated by stories of martyrs, I was first exposed to them through stories of missionaries who would go into places where it was illegal to talk about Christianity and end up in prison or killed. I fantasized about being in hiding or caught or tortured or killed or of smuggling things into places, I even was pen pals with a missionary who lived in China and smuggled Bibles in during the 80s and his letters would come to me with holes cut out of them and we would talk in code about God and Bible verses and concepts, it was all so thrilling to me! When Cassie Bernall, a student at Columbine High School said "yes" when she was asked if she believed in God before being shot, I felt so viscerally connected to her experience that I often would practice the moment in my bathroom mirror, begging God to give me such an opportunity to demonstrate my faith. I was convinced that the most faithful and righteous were the ones who had to sacrifice for God and so in the seventh grade I decided my life was too comfortable and that I would only be able to grow closer to God and more righteous if I were to have to endure real discomfort and pain and sacrifice. I prayed every day for several months to be made uncomfortable and then one day in the locker room after P.E. I saw a classmate getting changed and realized I was attracted to her. I had sort of heard of the idea of being gay because I was not allowed to see my aunt because she was living with a woman who my sister and I thought maybe she was in a relationship with. I knew it was totally not allowed to be gay in my community which was the whole world to me because I went to Christian school and the only other place my family ever went was church. I didn't think there were any actual gay people in the world, just scary messed up people who were confused and lost and needed saving. So when I felt that feeling towards my friend, I was at first mortified and terrified, but by the time I got up the hill to my locker, I was thrilled, I had been given "my cross to bear" a certifiable "thorn in my flesh" and I could now struggle and sacrifice and finally prove to God how righteous I was! I was almost excited! This excitement lasted a few years, I was very careful to never think about these feelings and didn't give myself any opportunity to act on them, but without fail, over and over I found myself back in "gay" moments. I started getting really close with a girl from my softball team (I know it's obvious now but I didn't know the stereotypes back then) and one day my other friends starting joking that we were dating and that I should ask her to the dance and I was so shocked and horrified that I totally ghosted her (I felt guilty for years about that but found her many years later and apologized and came out to her and she is happily married to a woman with two darling children so it all worked out!). Anyways, I really tried, and eventually I found that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of the feelings and couldn't stop ending up in queer moments and I decided that if I couldn't keep myself in the closet for God and my family and my community then I shouldn't be here and I overdosed. And then I had the most incredible NDE (more about that here) and then I got sucked back onto this planet. Those first two years after coming back, I felt like I was in prison. I made the decision not to attempt suicide again because it was just too awful to have failed, the discrimination and judgement and stigma affected so many areas of my life. So I decided to just live with suicidality as my constant companion. Then after I had my kid and had massive postpartum, I decided to live for him. But it was never quite enough, suicidality was always there with me and I always held a hope that I would be killed somehow so I wouldn't have to stay here and I often talked with my therapist about how I wish I wanted to live for me and not just so I wouldn't negatively impact my kid's life. I worked hard in DBT, I created a lot of meaning in my life, but when push comes to shove, I always had to admit that if I had a way out, I would take it.
And then in the past few months as I have completed and repeated the Rest and Restore Protocol, things have been unwinding in a way that I never ever expected. I ended up meeting my suicidal part and getting to know the exile they were keeping locked up (hear the whole story here) and slowly in a very not sudden way, I started to feel like I feel connected to life in a way that I never have experienced. I felt like I actually wanted to be here, like I felt really loving towards my body and my character that I'm playing and really open to continuing to play this character, even honored and excited to play this character and then this morning on my walk, I found myself thinking, "I want to be alive." There are no words to express how shocking this is. I was trying to describe in just a few words the difference between the SSP and the RRP and I realized, the SSP helped me feel like the world was ok and the RRP has helped me feel that I am ok! What?!?! I just can't! And while it feels wildly huge, it also just feels like "of course." Like super mellow and obvious and like what actually made sense all along. I'm so grateful and fascinated and thrilled. Another member of our community who recently finished the RRP said they feel like they are experiencing moments of feeling good not because they are doing something well or good or being praised but because there is an absence of bad thoughts/feelings about themself! The Rest and Digest state is such a natural original state and yet all of society is determined to interrupt and vilify rest and digest and coming back to it is not only a factory reset for the body but it seems to reset back the experience of knowing your value, like a little baby who knows they deserve to eat and be held and be dry and to be cared for and cries out for those needs to be met without shame or apology. How extraordinary! I can't wait to experience as things continue to unravel!
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Comparison, envy and the hamster wheel of trying to be "how we should be"
 I loved this show on Netflix, Envidiosa. It's in Spanish but has subtitles and is just so brilliantly real about how exhuastingly mindfucking it can be to be on the neverending hamster wheel of "how we should be." I adore this character and the way they played it out and it just feels soothing to watch someone else be as totally twisted into a pretzel as I often feel about navigating trying to be, do, act, look, work, live how I'm "supposed" to, whether I am trying to be more "successful" in terms of finances, health, relationships, capitalism, spirituality, materialism, non-materialism, manifesting, surrendering, it seems it is never enough and makes me feel totally confused and defeated. And yet, always available is the grace of acceptance that I am here in this world affected by all these pressures, longing to be loved just as I am but terrified that it will never be enough and also leaning into just loving myself as the failure that I am and rewriting the rules when I can. Just nice to feel less alone in a world where we are constantly being invited to perform that we know what we are doing and that we are "healthy" or "better" or "winning." Sometimes I just need to watch someone turn their life into a dumpster fire and say, "me too friend, me too!"
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Banned Ted Talk on Scientific Materialism
 I found a reference to this talk, one of the few banned Ted Talks through the Telepathy Tapes. I have mixed feelings on the telepathy tapes. While I deeply appreciate the way in which they are sharing about the validity of non-materialist aspects of reality, I am concerned about the celebration of facilitated communication (referred to as "spellers") which has been widely determined to be a discredited technique that should not be used as it can and has ended up putting communicators in dangerous and abusive situations. I've made a video about my reflections on this here. I am also cautious about the tendency to fetishize individuals who have disabilities or different communication styles. Along with these concerns, I am very grateful for the conversations that this podcast are opening individuals up to around nonphysical realities and allowing us to recognize that scientific materialism is just another mythology. I have started feeling like I want to start each interaction by asking people "so what is your current mythology?" I am so in the luxurious habit of spending most of my day with people who absolutely are ready and eager to talk about ETs, telepathy, time travel and NDE's and when I get into those moments when people are not "on the same wavelength" I feel it is an unkindness to go to a place where they might not feel comfortable or even feel threatened. I feel the verse about not throwing pearls to swines applies here, it seems a grace to respect where people's state of mind is, where they feel the world makes sense, their mythology and just let them be there. In the early days of awakening, most of us feel very evangelical, we want everyone to know the way, the truth and the life! But at the end of the day, there is no one who has ever been on this planet who has ever been able to prove anything, it may be that we are just living in matter and that nothing has any meaning, it may be that the most important thing is to get as rich and as powerful as possible, it may be that we are all One and that our souls chose this journey as some kind of universal consciousness evolution, it may be that we are pawns in some sort of game, it may be some sort of karmic school, we may be in a delusion, a fever dream, we my be waiting for Jesus to come save us from hell, it may be that nothing matters at all, that death isn't real or it may be that every decision matters entirely and will determine our fate, it may be that living a life of depression and pain is the most valuable or it may be that getting "healthy" is what is most important, who knows! And who am I to say what anyone else should believe when I have literally no idea. Right now, I feel really drawn to radical autonomy, but tomorrow that may all change, I've been so many different characters in this one life already and I'm sure I'll continue to try on more. What if we could just be together in the not knowing and knowing and offer one another the grace to say, "thank you for sharing, you may be right." Anyhow, I enjoyed how this person lays out the "dogma of scientific materialism" and am fascinated that 300 years post Galileo we are still so concerned about controlling what people think that this Ted Talk got banned!
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Laughter is the best medicine!
 I am OBSESSED with this beautiful person! This is a hoot, but please enjoy all his content because he is one gem of a human!
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And nature is good medicine too <3
 Yesterday on my walk <3
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Interested in learning more about the SSP, RRP, the Work or just talking about ET's, esoteric ideas or anything else? book a free inquiry call here, I have lots of openings right now!
Interested in joining our beautiful online community? We explore nervous system stuff but also whatever sounds fun and lots of chat about Human Design, Gene keys, astrology, and ETs! We'd love to welcome you into our exploration of being together without obligation!
Feel life is too overwhelming to even take care of daily needs? Struggling with suicidal thinking or self harm urges? I cannot recommend any modality more than DBT. I have found a legitimate DBT resource that offers online live classes with replay available for the very low price of $19/month!! You can even try it out for a week for free! I have no affiliation with them, I've been taking my classes through DBT Path for the past decade and while I adore them and think they are the best DBT class money can buy, I know there are people who are not able to or ready to invest that much so I was thrilled when I came across Jones Mindful Living. Most cities have DBT classes that are covered by insurance. If you want help finding a DBT resource, please email me and I'd love to support you in finding something that is a good fit for you.
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