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Experiencers Unite - stargirl-ing
Published 5 months ago • 11 min read
Stargirl-ing
“She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.” Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
One of our very own read this book and then thought of me and sent me a copy and WOW, I have never felt more seen! Stargirl is a fascinating tale of a girl who just never could be convinced to fit in and who loved recklessly in the most inspiring way! As I read the book, I was like, did this author follow me around when I was a pre-teen/teen?! There were so many pieces that were exactly my experience that it was truly wild and I will be coming back to this book often. There is even a sequel, Love, Stargirl and a movie spin off (which I haven't watched yet because I'm always hesitant to watch the movie version of books that I've loved so deeply, but maybe I will at some point).
Anyhow, I made some art about Stargirl, I think about her a lot, and think about what's worth it to me and what's not from a stargirl perspective rather than a right/wrong, acceptability/unacceptability, success/failure, I thought about her as I painted my mailbox orange and blue with flowers and the message, "hello, my love" yesterday and as I cuddled up with my stuffed animals and childhood blankie last night, I think about her when I paint my nails rainbow and when I put my care bears shirt on, I think about her when I tell my clients I love them and when I make YouTube videos or these newsletters for hours even though most of the time no one watches them, I think about her when people stop talking to me or tell me I'm too much or that I'm a child or embarrassing or the only problem our family has ever had, when I am tempted to hide or change or diminish myself and I also think about her when I'm just following the love, the joy, the excitement, the pain, and the sorrow, when I'm in love with life even though my favorite part of it so far was death.
Another dear person in my life then sent me this with the message, "another Stargirl" and I was like WOAH!
"I never wondered who I am, I don't think it's my business to know, I don't care who I am , I just am and the less you just kind of stress about putting yourself in a box the world will do it for you anyways and the more you just give yourself total freedom, I can change everyday....you can change everything and learn new things all the time...." Aurora
Needless to say I've been on a two weeklong deep dive into the world of this wildly resonant being Aurora who echoes my experience of change being the only identity I can relate to. This...ohhhhhhh.....
So many people come to me and the SSP hoping to be made less sensitve, and while the journey of building respectful, supportive and honest relationship with the nervous system may increase your capacity and make stressful situations less stressful, it is not about changing who you are. I operate off the social model of Autism, neurodivergence or emotional sensitivity, "The Social Model of Autism looks at the way that society can make life easier for Autistic people. It includes exploring and accepting their realities and personal experiences. While psychological, intellectual, and sensory variations may cause a person to experience limitations or impairments, society can account for these differences with accommodations to those that present with unique neurology." (Kory Andreas)
In this sense, I am not interested in changing anyone, fixing or even healing them. I'm interested in how the society we've been raisedin and ht e
Lena Waith on letting go of heaven...
So grateful to have come across this podcast with Yara Shahidi with this epic episode with my beloved Alok...then went on to listen and came across this one and was really moved to hear Lena (and Yara and Baldwin through them both) speak so epically around this willingness to allow both the dark and the light to exist.
"There is an important reality to acceptance, not agreement...There will be pleasant and good things in life and there will also be hard and very frustrating things in life, for me it's about practicing being equanimous...both things will occur in my life and I cannot treat one with more love and care than the other."
I've always loved James Baldwin, but them bringing him into this convo really brought me back and if you sometimes think that other people have it better than you or that you should have success or have figured it out by now and you have chosen to ignore the reality of how fucking rocky the lives are of some of our most beloved "successes" or "heroes" than please, take a moment (or several hours) to read this new gorgeous biography, "Baldwin, a love story." His life was really a shit show. As Lena said, "there is no made it, there is no finish line, it's just accepting life as it comes, not as we wish it would."
"Happiness is just as temporary as sadness.....To live is to suffer.....the reason why I love fireworks so much is because it is a temporary experience of happiness......Christmas only comes once a year."
Radical acceptance can be confused with agreement or apathy, but nervous system wise, what it gives us is the opportunity to come up out of our kicking and screaming reptilian hind brain that says "this is not fair, I am bad, they are bad, this is bad" into our frontal lobe where we can say, "something is not true here, what needs acceptance, change or to be walked away from?" There is no effective change that can happen in the defense state when there is no access to executive processing, no access to imagination or possibility. When we accept that what is happening is what is happening, "that this is the society in which we live, now what?"
iPhones and Androids
If you identify with being Autistic or neurodivergent or as having PTSD or C-PTSD (acquired nuerodivergence) or just being a sensitive person, communication with neurotypicals can feel really confusing and frustrating. This analogy for understanding neurodivergence vs. neurotypical experience, communication, programming is so helpful to me, that neurodivergent folks are like android phones and neurotypicals are like iPhones (or the other way around, doesn't really matter), basically both are great, they just run different programs.
My favorite part of it is the reference to a study done looking at communication between three groups: all Autistic folks, all Allistic (not Autistic) folks and a mixed group. "The results were telling: In groups of only one neurotype–either only Autistic individuals or only non-Autistic individuals–the story tended to remain relatively intact for a longer period. However, in the mixed neurotype groups, the story fell apart much more quickly, becoming significantly altered or even unintelligible by the time it reached the final participant. This rapid breakdown in mixed groups highlighted the unique challenges in cross-neurotype communication."
Another analogy I love is the idea that both neurotypes are valid, like an iPhone and an Android pohone, they both have different programs that run smooth with other phones of the same program abut that don't communicate very well together, even when we use all sorts of iwres and dongles, apps, etc.. Does this mean you shouldn't hang with people of different nuerotypes, nah. It just means it can be helpful to be culturally humble/sensitive/informed. Just like we try to learn more about people of different backgrounds, languages, cultures, sexualities, genders, abilities and religions, we can learn and understand different neurotypes and give the benefit of the doubt, ask for clarification, help, etc. with communication. I'm READY for telepathy to come online so we can ditch the limitations of language, and I do feel us neurodivergents are here to usher that in, but until the transition is complete, let's slow down, do some research, ask for help and clarification and assume positive intent. <3
Living in an ever changing body
When people are on the nervous system journey, that honesty that we were born with starts to come back online and starts to question so many things, every aspect of life really, and one of those is our relationship with our ever changing bodies.
Our culture has done everything it can to convince us that if we try hard enough, eat little enough of the perfect things and if we buy enough of their creams, potions and drugs we can keep our bodies from changing, but for anyone who has experienced puberty, pregnancy, perimenopause or just time you know that this is a losing battle.
And when we start to listen to the nervous system and the body, we often start to find out that we are HUNGRY and tired and don't feel honest in our work, our relationships, so much, everything. And when we start letting ourselves eat, our bodies often change, often in the direction of getting bigger.
For myself, this really showed up when I started taking HRT to support my perimenopause symptoms and my gender journey. It helped SO much psychologically, helped me sleep, made me feel more confident and balanced and sure, and it made me have an appetite for the first time in my life! At first I was thrilled, I'd never enjoyed eating, it had always been a chore, I've always been picky and all of that evolved into some kind of ED/Autistic/Arfid journey that left me pretty thin.
Then I started to enjoy eating and my body started filling out and shifting where it was filling out because of the hormones. It was disorienting and scary and at the same time truly beautiful because I got to meet my body without all that scarcity and restriction. I dove back into old resources and found new ones so that I could support all the parts that were scared about these changes and thought some of you might enjoy connecting with the info as well!
First off taking care of the sensory experience of a changing body is paramount! with some comfy clothes, there is a reason why pre-colonial clothes were all just one piece of fabric wrapped around to accommodate for ever changing bodies! If your body is shifting, get yourself some clothes that feel soft and comfy and don't squeeze your precious body. The Goodwill has great stuff for just a few bucks!
And get thee some safe foods, and offer them without pressure, consistent calories is my mantra <3
Second, expose yourself to images and ideas and experiences of bodies that don't fit the beauty ideals of our society and that challenge the narrative. Alok Vaid Menon is my favorite describer of the experience of having a body in this world. This episode where they talk about the body as an altar was really transformative for me.
The history of anti-fatness and its relationship with anti-blackness is something that can be really interesting to explore as a part of this conversation. The book Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia by Sabrina Strings is an awesome overview. Here is an article about it if you want to check it out before reading the whole book.
I also have enjoyed learning about what has been called the Bikini Industrial Complex which describes the development of the diet industry and the origin and misuse of the BMI. Here is an article on the BIC and another article that goes into the BMI both by Emily Nagoski who wrote Burnout, a great book about many topics including the history of diet culture.
Lastly, offer yourself self inquiry around what you've picked up in terms of beliefs. This workbook, Overcoming Body Hatred by Kathryn Holt is super powerful. I really love the Jungian perspective she incorporates.
This is a topic that runs deep for so many of us. Slowly and with respect and compassion, we can begin to offer our scared parts other sources of information that may allow them to see that the monster they've been protecting you from was made up as a way to control us all. This can be a complicated topic, and you are always in charge, so take what you like and leave the rest.
Hi friends, some of you may have heard Jessa Reed talk with Nicole of Jumpsuit Agency recently, she started a free patreon and there are some cool things happening there, I'm doing a free nervous system class and I'd love to see you there! Every other Monday at 12:30pm EST for six sessions live and replay available, we have two classes left but the replays are available for all the classes once you sign up.
Feel free to invite friends, I'll be going through the basics (we've had two classes already, but you can access the replays):
Polyvagal Nervous System Overview
Autonomic Mapping : understanding your unique nervous system language
SOS method (sense, optimize, self-inquiry)
Effective Mobilization
Radical Acceptance, Guidance, Inspiration and Creativity
Interested in learning more about the SSP, RRP, the Work or just talking about ET's, esoteric ideas or anything else? book a free inquiry call here, I have lots of openings right now!
I'm continuing to offer the big nervous system work online course (not the SSP or coaching sessions) that has an overview of most of what I've learned in this life for "pay what you want" ongoing. You can use coupon code: ECLIPSE100 which will make it free and then you can venmo me anything you want to donate @gazitchayankosi. Feel free to share <3
Feel life is too overwhelming to even take care of daily needs? Struggling with suicidal thinking or self harm urges? I cannot recommend any modality more than DBT. I have found a legitimate DBT resource that offers online live classes with replay available for the very low price of $19/month!! You can even try it out for a week for free! I have no affiliation with them, I've been taking my classes through DBT Path for the past decade and while I adore them and think they are the best DBT class money can buy, I know there are people who are not able to or ready to invest that much so I was thrilled when I came across Jones Mindful Living. Most cities have DBT classes that are covered by insurance. If you want help finding a DBT resource, please email me and I'd love to support you in finding something that is a good fit for you.
What are you doing for fun? One of my favorite fun and social activities is being a guest on podcasts. It is super ideal for my Autistic wiring, being expected and encouraged to deep dive on topics I am passionate about and welcome to do some monologuing, sign me up any day! And podcasters are always just such quirky and interesting people, it is my favorite social activity, one on one, they've signed up to hear all my stuff so I can't be too much (although yesterday I was on one where I...
Grief art is cancelled today <3 something came up with my kiddo <3 Who is in charge anymore? Well, I don't know how you all are, but it's been a weird time for me. Another wave of realizing that despite all the layers of following the external authority that I've shed, there are still parts of me that are sad about realizing no one is "good" in a total way, no one is here to save us, no one ever has been. I've really been appreciating Prentis Hemphil lately and this recent episode meant a lot...
Tending to Grief Art Circle Would love to have you join our Grief Tending Art Circle today 2/8 at 4pm ET! You can register here, donations are much appreciated and can be made through venmo @gazitchayankosi. Come join us for a time of tending to and through our grief through creative expression, tending to grief is allowing our nervous system to acknowledge the loss which keeps us in defense and survival states and through that acknowledgment allowing our grief to alchemize back into life,...
