Are you scared to let people down?

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So many of us in this community identify as current or recovering "people pleasers" which is a really confusing phrase because it implies that we are actually pleasing the person, meaning that it ultimately is a positive for them.

However, when push comes to shove, most of us would admit that if given the choice, we would rather people be honest with us than dishonest and people pleasing is a form of dishonesty. What are some of the consequences of doing something that doesn't feel true to us in order to "please" someone else?

• we set them up to be confused at best and betrayed at worst if/when they realize we weren't being honest
• we set them up to be resented
• we set ourselves up to resent them
• we abandon ourselves, creating internal distrust
• we weaken their trust of us
• we communicate to them that we do not think they are capable of handling the truth of life
• we communicate to ourselves that we are incapable of handling life and other people's suffering
• we communicate to others that we know better than them what is best for their life and that they are safest when we manipulate them according to our own beliefs about life

In Al-Anon they use the phrase "help is just another word for control." What if instead of saying we were "people pleasers" we said we were "people controllers." I bet a lot fewer of us would be out there claiming that title.

When we worry that we will hurt someone by "letting them down" we forget that in so doing we are also communicating that we see them as incapable of handing the truth and challenges that life has to offer.

It is similar to not letting go of a baby as they take their first steps, we are saying, "nope, you can't handle this, I don't believe in you."

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If this feels confusing, disappointing, upsetting or interesting and you want to explore it further, consider having a convo with your favorite AI (prompt: how can letting someone down actually be a kindness?), reading Codepedent No More by Melody Beattie, doing the NARP program (even if you don't identify of having experienced narcissistic abuse), or listening to Marty and Ro talk about it on Bewildered.

Release head, neck and jaw pain FAST

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This week I had massive neck strain pop up and was unable to move my neck by the second day, I went to YouTube to find a meditation and came across this quick exercise and I am not joking it made the pain go away immediately and I thought I was going to have to cancel my whole day and stay in bed but now I'm totally fine, it is wild! I'm going to be doing this every day now as I often have pain in my neck and am looking forward to seeing what shifts. This guy seems really interesting with lots of other fascinating stuff!

Do you believe in God?

I experienced early indoctrination into evangelical Christianity which instilled the idea that there is an external Higher Power, known as God, who requires total subservience to a set of rules and when those rules are not followed, subjects us to eternal damnation.

Unraveling this in order to come back to an internal state of wholeness has been extremely challenging to put it mildly. In parts work based off of IFS principles, it seems like all my stressors come back to this fear that I am "bad" and have "let down or disrespected God."

It doesn't even seem that my younger parts are scared about being punished, in fact they almost seem eager to get to the punishment, because that would help them make sense of things in the paradigm they were conditioned into. I have broken SO many of the rules I was taught and they are ready to receive the consequences and there is a cognitive dissonance that comes with how good I feel when they were taught that breaking the rules would lead to pain and punishment.

If I have free time, you will find me asking anyone who will engage with me (person, AI, book, podcast, program, etc.) about this topic. It feels so discordant to believe that life is about some Higher Power who knows everything but is waiting for me to learn it, either in order to teach me a lesson or just because it is bored. Both of these feel off to me. But they are mostly what I come across outside of traditional religions.

That is why I was so happy to learn about Thomas Campbell's Theory of Everything and about the Zen Buddhist "original face" philosophy both of which have opened up some lines of thinking that consider us as morally neutral beings who have been conditioned into good/bad paradigms and are experiencing mutual interconnected evolution towards love as a part of all things.

The T.O.E. holds that there is a Larger Consciousness System (LCS) that evolves inherently by reducing its own disorder through the experiences of its conscious units, without needing an external creator or guide:

• Self-Driven Evolution: The LCS evolves on its own; it doesn't need a separate "higher power" to guide it.
• Driven by Entropy Reduction: Its goal is to become more orderly and efficient, like a computer system trying to run perfectly.
• Learns Through Our Choices: Our experiences and choices within reality help the LCS grow and improve itself.
• No External Creator: Campbell's theory doesn't require a traditional "God" to have created or manage the LCS.

The Zen Buddhist "original face" concept comes from the koan “What was your original face before your parents were born?” inviting us to consider who we are :
- Before identity: Who were you before you were given a name, a gender, a role, a story?
- Before conditioning: What is your nature untouched by culture, trauma, family dynamics, ego structures?
- Before dualism: What is the face you had before “good” and “bad,” “self” and “other,” “subject” and “object” divided the world?
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These two philosophies feel really important for me as I continue to decondition and reach for sources of wisdom and meaning in life without reinforcing the concepts of a "sky daddy" that were offered to me in my early years. Do you know of other teachers, philosophies, books, podcasts, etc that line up with these ideas? If so, I'd love to hear about them, please share!

What kind of relationship do you have with money?

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Think of how you talk about money. Here are some common examples:

• I need more money
• I don't have enough money
• I don't want to pay that much
• That's a waste of money
• He took my money
• They owe me money
• That's my money
• My money won't stay in the bank
• They must have money to burn

Now replace the word money with your own name and see how it feels....."I need more of z, I don't have enough of z, that's a waste of z, they owe me z, z won't stay in the bank." How would you feel about someone who spoke about you that way? Would you want to hang out with them? How would you describe them? Possessive, controlling, jealous, narcissistic???

​I love this conversation about money with Martha Beck. I also love how Ken Honda and Sarah Mc​Crum talk about money.

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​I have taken up the habit of talking with money as if it i​s ​a very honorable person who I have deep respect for, I've written money apology letters to make amends, love letters to express my adoration of what money has provided for myself and my kiddo, confusion and desire when I realize that I am wanting to spend more time with it and want to do some self inquiry about why, just an ongoing conversation noticing the times when I really want to control or own money and coming back into equilibrium of offering money the radical autonomy that I believe it deserves.

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I don't believe ownership is inherent to our beingness, and I see ownership as interrupting connection with self and others, so cultivating an interdependent relationship with money has been really meaningful and rewarding for me. Money has the right to come and play with me but it also has the right to go and play with others, none of it is mine, none of it is owed to me, I don't have the right to lock it up or tell it what to do or who to be in relationship with. I am grateful for the times when money enjoys me and offer it a warm welcome and when I see it starting to get a little avoidant or even running away in droves, it is a warm invitation for me to come back into a loving and respectful relationship with this beautiful entity which has so much to offer.

Free live nervous system basics class through Jumpsuit!

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Hi friends, some of you may have heard Jessa Reed talk with Nicole of Jumpsuit Agency recently, she started a free patreon and there are some cool things happening there, I'm doing a free nervous system class and I'd love to see you there! Every other Monday at 12:30pm EST for six sessions live and replay available, but next class is on Wednesday 5/28 at 1:30pm ET due to Memorial Day.

Feel free to invite friends, I'll be going through the basics (we've had two classes already, but you can access the replays):

• Polyvagal Nervous System Overview
• Autonomic Mapping : understanding your unique nervous system language
• SOS method (sense, optimize, self-inquiry)
• Effective Mobilization
• Radical Acceptance, Guidance, Inspiration and Creativity
• Self Inquiry

Sign up HERE!

Laughter is the best medicine!

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Ok, I didn't know how to put an IG thing here, so I screen share recorded it in zoom and then uploaded to YT unlisted and here it is, and here is the IG link, I love you Elyse Myers!

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And nature is good medicine too <3

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During my QHHT session, there were a bunch of whales and dolphins who said they would help me while I'm here on earth and I never really thought about it until the other day in a session the dolphins just got my attention and said, just have us swim around the person and make our dolphin noises and it'll help them, I was startled, but was like ok sure! And then my new friend took me on a visit to Sirius where some Sirians offered to do a healing on me and they also had dolphin sound as a way to help! So cool! Anyways, I've been enjoying ocean videos even more since!

P.S. Boundary vs Demand

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A boundary is about my behavior, anything else is a demand. Is this oversimplified, yes, are there nuances, also yes. But this is a quick and dirty way to check yourself and others. Ultimately, IMO, the only respectful way to interact with other people's behavior is to offer requests and then move on. If they don't follow your request, they either don't agree with it, changed their mind or don't have the capacity (safety) to follow it. And that is their business.

A boundary comes to ask for change. And when we are speaking of change, we have to ask the question first, is there more safety than danger here? because change can't happen unless there is.

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The serenity prayer is a well known way to think about change, but it can be misleading: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (these things are any people, places and things other than myself and my own actions and thinking when I'm scared), the courage to change the things I can (these things include my attitude and present moment actions if I am in a calm ventral state, if I'm in a defense state I don't have the control to change anything), and the wisdom to know the difference (the wisdom is just: refer to those previous parenthesis).

Applying the nervous system understanding of safety vs danger = capacity allows us to see all human behavior (ours and others) as inherently innocent. If we felt safe we could do a lot of things differently, but if there was violence present in us or others, it was because someone was scared. This opens up the possibility to see that regret and blame don't really make sense, if violence occurred, someone was confused. We can move on from finding the bad guy and see where we can increase safety for ourselves and others, which will make a far greater impact on the collective.

Interested in learning more about the SSP, RRP, the Work or just talking about ET's, esoteric ideas or anything else? book a free inquiry call here, I have lots of openings right now!

I'm continuing to offer the ​big nervous system work online course​ (not the SSP or coaching sessions) that has an overview of most of what I've learned in this life for "pay what you want" ongoing. You can use coupon code: ECLIPSE100 which will make it free and then you can venmo me anything you want to donate @gazitchayankosi. Feel free to share <3

Interested in joining our beautiful online community? We explore nervous system stuff but also whatever sounds fun and lots of chat about Human Design, Gene keys, astrology, and ETs! We'd love to welcome you into our exploration of being together without obligation!

Feel life is too overwhelming to even take care of daily needs? Struggling with suicidal thinking or self harm urges? I cannot recommend any modality more than DBT. I have found a legitimate DBT resource that offers online live classes with replay available for the very low price of $19/month!! You can even try it out for a week for free! I have no affiliation with them, I've been taking my classes through DBT Path for the past decade and while I adore them and think they are the best DBT class money can buy, I know there are people who are not able to or ready to invest that much so I was thrilled when I came across Jones Mindful Living. Most cities have DBT classes that are covered by insurance. If you want help finding a DBT resource, please email me and I'd love to support you in finding something that is a good fit for you.

love you! xo, z
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